God and Jesus are on assignment. I'm the ghost of Sun Myung Moon and we're here today to eulogize the 2023-24 Indiana Pacer season.

Before we begin, I must remind you - The Unification Church is a not-for-profit organization that relies on your aid to spread our teachings (we're like PBS only more spiritual). Please take a moment to send a gift to -

Family Federation for World Peace and Unification LLC
PO Box 71
Sulphur IN 47174

We gather today to remember the 2023-24 Indiana Pacers team whose life was cut short by inexperience, youth and a touch of carelessness.

They were a joyous group to be around. From Coach Rick down to his blackmailer Doug, their love of life and of each other permutated their existence. Each of them bubbled forth with exuberance. Who could forget Jenny, Tyrese and Obi's take on The Three Stooges? Or Ben's spot on imitation of James Cagney. And who could forget Jarace Walker?

Those times came to a heartbreaking end at the hands of the evil Boston Celtic empire. Moral blood was spilt on the hallowed floor of Gainbridge Fieldhouse. Thousands of innocent victims were forever traumatized. Slick was spinning in his grave like a Costco rotisserie chicken. This has to cease.

One mission of the Unification Church is to snuff out evil in the world. This past week, evil came home to roost. Please act today and send more than you can reasonably afford to the address above. Present and future Pacer fans will thank you.

Amen.

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